dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
