How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
