I think I died a long time ago.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
