If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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