party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
