Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize