community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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