i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
