That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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