Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
