apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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