i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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