Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
