Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
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