Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Randomize
