Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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