Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
