please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
