i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
