There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
