Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
