then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
