Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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