david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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