My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
