textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
