Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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