2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
40s are totally the cure
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
