Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
