it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
