Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
