its not stalking. its research.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
