Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
