lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
