Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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