I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
