I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
