How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
