Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
