her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
