He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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