Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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