You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
