If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
