so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
