my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
