Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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