is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
