I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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