goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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