The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
