i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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