She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize