Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
