Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
