And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
