If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
