you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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